It's March and if you didn't know its my birthday month. Whenever birthdays come around and you get older you get more introspective.
In writing this blog I find that i have been looking at my life a lot and where I've been and how the things I've experienced have affected my today. And although I knew this its become clearer to me over time that I wore a lot of masks.
When you wear a mask you know that if people like that person they aren't liking the real you and then you become terrified to show them the real you because you are afraid they will reject you. But then you live in constant fear of being found out. See the emotional roller coaster this is?
In writing this blog I find that i have been looking at my life a lot and where I've been and how the things I've experienced have affected my today. And although I knew this its become clearer to me over time that I wore a lot of masks.
While some people may call it fake I call it the hazard of growing up churched. You learn all the rules and the things to say at church and in front of church folks but then you separate that from the other elements of your day to day life.
In my case I grew up feeling invisible. And it was a blessing and a curse. When you are invisible you can observe a lot while being unnoticed and therefore you learn a lot but it is a very lonely place to be at times.
We are meant to do life with people but when you are made to feel small or insignificant you then diminish yourself even further. They call it making yourself diminutive.
I often felt invisible because people assumed I was ok. I didn’t talk a lot, I did what I was supposed to do and that was it. And because I wore the mask of "the good christian girl" no one really bothered to dig deeper to see if I was truly ok.
In my family I was the short one. The quiet one. With allergies and no glasses. I was different.
We are meant to do life with people but when you are made to feel small or insignificant you then diminish yourself even further. They call it making yourself diminutive.
I often felt invisible because people assumed I was ok. I didn’t talk a lot, I did what I was supposed to do and that was it. And because I wore the mask of "the good christian girl" no one really bothered to dig deeper to see if I was truly ok.
In my family I was the short one. The quiet one. With allergies and no glasses. I was different.
I have always wanted so desperately to fit in but I felt like I didn’t even fit in with my own family. So I created a mask. I became who I thought people wanted me to be.
We try to be people that we think people want us to be in order to be liked and then when they still reject us anyway our lives are shattered.
How many of us are wearing masks?
As I have gotten older I worry less about fitting in or being part of the pack. I still want to be liked but I no longer live my life trying to be the person others want me to be. I can no longer do life behind a mask. It is emotionally, psychologically and spiritually taxing.
You can’t hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can’t whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public; the day’s coming when those whispers will be repeated all over town.
When you wear a mask you know that if people like that person they aren't liking the real you and then you become terrified to show them the real you because you are afraid they will reject you. But then you live in constant fear of being found out. See the emotional roller coaster this is?
Now I wasn't living some big secret life like you see in movies but i had created this whole persona of the perfect church girl who has it all together who didn't drink or curse or struggle with sexual desire which wasn't true. The truth was I didn't have it all figured out, but really who does? I drink sometimes. I curse when I get pissed off and I was having sex. Not with a whole bunch of people but I was. I just never felt it was safe enough for me to show those closest to me who i truly am.
The weight of my mask was unbearable at times. The longer I wore it the heavier the weight got but I held on to it until the bitter end because I was always afraid that everything would blow up if I let people see the real, flawed me and then... it did.
The truth will set you free... John 8:32
In the aftermath I know I can never wear a mask again because I had no peace. I have come to terms with the fact that people won't like me or understand me but that is ok. I like me, I accept me and most importantly I have peace, joy and happiness. No secrets, nothing to blow up.
The lie that Satan tries to sell you is that you will never be liked or accepted which isn't true. First, God already loves and accepts you just as you are. Second, there are people out here in this world who will love, accept and get you. We are meant to do life with people so find those people.
If you currently live behind a mask take it off. Set yourself free.
If you are thinking of putting one on, don't. Its not worth it and its exhausting.
If you recently shed your mask, its hard at the beginning but it gets better.
Take it from me, I've made it to the other side.
The Unlikely Missionary
DHW
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