I remember the day I learned forgiveness is for the
forgiver. My dad had said something to me that had really hurt me and I held
that hurt for a long time and it festered and built up until finally I was like,
I’m gonna confront him about this.” So I wrote all my points down (because I’m
a planner) and I called him and laid it all out and we left the call with what
I thought was a mutual understanding but I hadn’t forgiven it.
I thought I had. I convinced myself I had but God always knows how to test your so called growth.
Any little thing my father did triggered me and brought me right back to that original hurt and all that pain would come flooding back.
Then one day I hit my limit because my family just didn’t understand why I was so angry and I said dad knows why, I told him why and his face went blank and he looked at me and said when?
Babay, I saw red! I said, that day that I called you and we talked for like 3 hrs. And he said, I don’t remember. In that moment I was so tight if my head could have exploded it would have. I had never felt that level of anger and hurt in my life.
Later that day I was still seething and asking myself how could he not remember? And God rebuked me. Then I was mad at God, like how are you on his side? God replied but I thought you forgave him. It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on my head. God continued, see while you sitting here mad, holding grudges, being pissed off, he didn’t even remember. So who is really being hurt by your unforgiveness?
When I was a youth leader I told the young ppl all the time forgiveness is for you. You sitting around mad, bitter, not living life acting like your unforgiveness is hurting the person who hurt you. Acting like they are bothered by the fact that you have stopped talking to them or are mean mugging them or hate them. When in actuality they probably don’t ever remember.
To tell you the truth they really don’t need to remember. The bigger question is: Even if they asked for forgiveness would you give it? Even if they were sorry would you accept it?
When I realized how much this hurt was holding me back, making me bitter, affecting the way I talked to my husband, affected the way I interacted with ppl, caused to me to be agitated, short-temper and really someone I personally wouldn’t like I prayed, Lord, help me to forgive, heal this hurt and move on.
I said Lord, if he never says I’m sorry, if he never acknowledges my hurt, if he never apologizes and asks for forgiveness help me to forgive him anyway.
I would love to say that instantly I was set free. Nope! It was a struggle but by changing my attitude I changed my life.
I know, I hear y’all saying but that’s not fair. He should apologize. True, he should. But why should I allow that to control my life? I want to live in freedom and by not forgiving I was choosing to be enslaved by that hurt, to operate from a place of hurt and not freedom.
Our lives are a series of choices. It may not always seem like it but we always have a choice. If you are in jail you have the choice to comply or be combative. At work you have the choice to do the work or not. If you feel uncomfortable you have the choice to leave or not. No matter the situation there is always a choice. They aren’t always easy or exciting. Sometimes your choosing the lesser of two evils but you always have a choice.
The only person I have control over is myself. I can’t make someone apologize to me but I can forgive them and move on. I can stop being triggered by them. I can stop letting them mistreat me, I can live my life without allowing things and people to hold me back.
When you minister to other people you say a lot of things in theory that you haven’t necessarily had to put into practice. But now when I tell people to forgive it’s from a place of knowledge, of struggle.
You can argue me down about this but ask yourself: If I forgave would my life be richer, would I be happier, would I be free? Is that what you want?
I thought I had. I convinced myself I had but God always knows how to test your so called growth.
Any little thing my father did triggered me and brought me right back to that original hurt and all that pain would come flooding back.
Then one day I hit my limit because my family just didn’t understand why I was so angry and I said dad knows why, I told him why and his face went blank and he looked at me and said when?
Babay, I saw red! I said, that day that I called you and we talked for like 3 hrs. And he said, I don’t remember. In that moment I was so tight if my head could have exploded it would have. I had never felt that level of anger and hurt in my life.
Later that day I was still seething and asking myself how could he not remember? And God rebuked me. Then I was mad at God, like how are you on his side? God replied but I thought you forgave him. It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on my head. God continued, see while you sitting here mad, holding grudges, being pissed off, he didn’t even remember. So who is really being hurt by your unforgiveness?
When I was a youth leader I told the young ppl all the time forgiveness is for you. You sitting around mad, bitter, not living life acting like your unforgiveness is hurting the person who hurt you. Acting like they are bothered by the fact that you have stopped talking to them or are mean mugging them or hate them. When in actuality they probably don’t ever remember.
To tell you the truth they really don’t need to remember. The bigger question is: Even if they asked for forgiveness would you give it? Even if they were sorry would you accept it?
When I realized how much this hurt was holding me back, making me bitter, affecting the way I talked to my husband, affected the way I interacted with ppl, caused to me to be agitated, short-temper and really someone I personally wouldn’t like I prayed, Lord, help me to forgive, heal this hurt and move on.
I said Lord, if he never says I’m sorry, if he never acknowledges my hurt, if he never apologizes and asks for forgiveness help me to forgive him anyway.
I would love to say that instantly I was set free. Nope! It was a struggle but by changing my attitude I changed my life.
I know, I hear y’all saying but that’s not fair. He should apologize. True, he should. But why should I allow that to control my life? I want to live in freedom and by not forgiving I was choosing to be enslaved by that hurt, to operate from a place of hurt and not freedom.
Our lives are a series of choices. It may not always seem like it but we always have a choice. If you are in jail you have the choice to comply or be combative. At work you have the choice to do the work or not. If you feel uncomfortable you have the choice to leave or not. No matter the situation there is always a choice. They aren’t always easy or exciting. Sometimes your choosing the lesser of two evils but you always have a choice.
The only person I have control over is myself. I can’t make someone apologize to me but I can forgive them and move on. I can stop being triggered by them. I can stop letting them mistreat me, I can live my life without allowing things and people to hold me back.
When you minister to other people you say a lot of things in theory that you haven’t necessarily had to put into practice. But now when I tell people to forgive it’s from a place of knowledge, of struggle.
You can argue me down about this but ask yourself: If I forgave would my life be richer, would I be happier, would I be free? Is that what you want?
If the answer is yes, then you know what you need to do.
The Unlikely Missionary
DHW
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