When my husband called me to tell me that we were evicted from our apartment it crushed me. I was at work, 6 months pregnant and stressed out. The sheriff was there and all he allowed my husband to take was his phone and the clothes on his back.
This wasn’t sudden. We had known for months we could be evicted but I thought that God would by some miracle save me from my bad decisions. But when it actually happened it crushed me. I was homeless.
I was the good Christian girl with two degrees and a job and I was homeless. I was ashamed. I was devastated. And my faith was shaken. And those close to me made me feel even worse.
I was at a crossroads in my faith because we are often taught that if we do all the right things God is gonna bless you. Which many interpret as nothing bad ever happening to you.
As I have learned that’s a bunch of hogwash. Pick a disciple, John the Baptist, Jesus. Jesus especially. Goodness does not equal easy street.
I asked, why me Lord? I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. Why?
When I first started in ministry I didn’t wanna do it. I was a reluctant leader. And then a pastor I greatly admired told me I’d be a youth pastor. I vehemently denied it. He couldn’t possibly see that in me.
Shortly after that he passed away. It crushed me because for the first time in my life I had someone who saw something in me. Believed in me and pushed me to be better.
As a result I embraced ministry. I found I was good at it. It caused me to be creative and to go deep into God’s word. But ministry isn’t easy and I wasn’t always supported so my initial enthusiasm waned. My passion became bitterness and resentment and painful. A chore instead of a blessing. But to people I was the picture of good Christian character.
Watching the talk between Bishop TD Jakes and Pastor Steve For Bishop Jakes’ new book Crushed spoke to me on a deep level because I wish I had known as a young, on fire Christian that this faith walk can be crushing. It wouldn’t have stopped me from trusting God but I would have at least been prepared for the hurt and disappointment.
When I was 19, struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide my aunt told me that if Satan wants you dead this bad that means God has amazing things planned for you. It should have triggered the story of Job to me then but now that I’m older I understand that story’s importance in the Bible and to me.
Job was faithful. He did everything right. In the church of today Job should have been fine. However, that is not how it works in God’s economy. In God’s economy because of his faithfulness God used him to show His power. So he still lost it all. His money. His family. His health. His “friends”.
What he never lost was his faith. He knew that God have given it all to him in the first place and He could give it back to him again. But he questioned and that was ok.
Every great figure in the Bible in some way went through trial by fire. From Abraham and Moses to Jesus who paid the ultimate sacrifice. So how did I truly believe that if I was to be great for the kingdom I would experience nothing but easy street?
I needed the crushing. I needed the crushing of my arrogance in ministry. I needed the crushing of my goody-goody attitude. I needed a crushing of my belief that the ministry needed me. I needed to be humbled to be vulnerable. To let go of my anger. To stop making excuses for my bad behavior.
It was painful and still is but necessary.
I never thought I would be thankful for that day I got evicted. It was a dark day. And the days, weeks and months after were darker. But it forced me to deal with my relationship with God and better understand who He is, who I am and recognize His faithfulness even in the midst of my darkness.
Christian life is NOT easy. You can do everything “right” and still “lose”. But this walk with God means you never walk alone and through you lose a few battles victory is already yours. The path may be rocky but it ends with you on top.
Be encouraged. God hasn’t abandoned you. He’s right there and you’ll be better for it. God turns pressure into power.
This wasn’t sudden. We had known for months we could be evicted but I thought that God would by some miracle save me from my bad decisions. But when it actually happened it crushed me. I was homeless.
I was the good Christian girl with two degrees and a job and I was homeless. I was ashamed. I was devastated. And my faith was shaken. And those close to me made me feel even worse.
I was at a crossroads in my faith because we are often taught that if we do all the right things God is gonna bless you. Which many interpret as nothing bad ever happening to you.
As I have learned that’s a bunch of hogwash. Pick a disciple, John the Baptist, Jesus. Jesus especially. Goodness does not equal easy street.
I asked, why me Lord? I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. Why?
When I first started in ministry I didn’t wanna do it. I was a reluctant leader. And then a pastor I greatly admired told me I’d be a youth pastor. I vehemently denied it. He couldn’t possibly see that in me.
Shortly after that he passed away. It crushed me because for the first time in my life I had someone who saw something in me. Believed in me and pushed me to be better.
As a result I embraced ministry. I found I was good at it. It caused me to be creative and to go deep into God’s word. But ministry isn’t easy and I wasn’t always supported so my initial enthusiasm waned. My passion became bitterness and resentment and painful. A chore instead of a blessing. But to people I was the picture of good Christian character.
Watching the talk between Bishop TD Jakes and Pastor Steve For Bishop Jakes’ new book Crushed spoke to me on a deep level because I wish I had known as a young, on fire Christian that this faith walk can be crushing. It wouldn’t have stopped me from trusting God but I would have at least been prepared for the hurt and disappointment.
When I was 19, struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide my aunt told me that if Satan wants you dead this bad that means God has amazing things planned for you. It should have triggered the story of Job to me then but now that I’m older I understand that story’s importance in the Bible and to me.
Job was faithful. He did everything right. In the church of today Job should have been fine. However, that is not how it works in God’s economy. In God’s economy because of his faithfulness God used him to show His power. So he still lost it all. His money. His family. His health. His “friends”.
What he never lost was his faith. He knew that God have given it all to him in the first place and He could give it back to him again. But he questioned and that was ok.
Every great figure in the Bible in some way went through trial by fire. From Abraham and Moses to Jesus who paid the ultimate sacrifice. So how did I truly believe that if I was to be great for the kingdom I would experience nothing but easy street?
I needed the crushing. I needed the crushing of my arrogance in ministry. I needed the crushing of my goody-goody attitude. I needed a crushing of my belief that the ministry needed me. I needed to be humbled to be vulnerable. To let go of my anger. To stop making excuses for my bad behavior.
It was painful and still is but necessary.
I never thought I would be thankful for that day I got evicted. It was a dark day. And the days, weeks and months after were darker. But it forced me to deal with my relationship with God and better understand who He is, who I am and recognize His faithfulness even in the midst of my darkness.
Christian life is NOT easy. You can do everything “right” and still “lose”. But this walk with God means you never walk alone and through you lose a few battles victory is already yours. The path may be rocky but it ends with you on top.
Be encouraged. God hasn’t abandoned you. He’s right there and you’ll be better for it. God turns pressure into power.
The Unlikely Missionary
DHW
Comments
Post a Comment