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You Must Break

As I mentioned I'm doing the devotional 100 days of Believing Bigger devotional by Marshawn Evans Daniels.

I'm on Day 21 and its talking about identity. I'm part of The Destiny Collective and we just  finished our live devotional reading and as I've just been sitting in it. Think about myself and how I see myself. I talk a lot about my worldview and God but I rarely talk here about what God shows me in my own quiet time.

Part of the reason is not wanting to expose something so personal to judgement. Always wanting to have a perfect image when in truth I struggle just like everyone else. I'm not perfect but my entire life I have lived under this pressure to be perfect. Following protocol and being who people want me to be, Wearing Masks in order to be the me I know I can be good at. Can you relate?

Today's live devotional gave me the realization that the shadow Damaris's I have created are not my savior and are actually a weight that are suppressing who I really am. Pretending is heavy. Pretending is dangerous. You can become so good at pretending the real you disappears and it can take a long time to make it back to her.

In my journaling time I wrote this, "Because I know how to be for others, that is my default, because I know I am God at it. It stops me from being me because it leaves me exposed and is unknown territory".

That realization quieted me and made me sit in that moment. Creating these shadows of me, each having certain elements of my personality while surpressing others, had made me feel godlike but truthfully it is just me hiding behind characters. Hiding from rejection, hiding insecurity, hiding feelings of inferiority, hiding the pain of people's belief in who they think I am, scared that if they knew the real me, they'd reject me.

There is a reason I'm not God. God never surpresses, He reveals fully because He cannot exist in shadow only light. Nothing is hidden.

God speaks to me in music. There is a reason I have praise breaks on this blog. As I quieted myself, sitting in what God revealed to me the song, You Must Break by Tasha Cobbs Leanord ft. Kierra Sheard came to my mind. The lyrics speak directly to the heart of my struggle with my identity.

Tasha sings, 


♮Curse of rejection you can’t stay here
Lies of fear you’re not welcome here
I have been too comfortable living in you
Now the King has come to my rescue


And you will bow to your knees 
I’m not living in what you planned for me
I am a child of the King
And as I decide to lay you aside, you must break
And as I decide to lay you aside, you must break♮


I had become so comfortable wearing the masks until one day I wasn't. But shame had me sit in the place of being unable to let the masks go while hating myself for continuing to wear them. But curse of rejection, you can't stay here. I'm not living in what you planned for me. I am the DAUGHTER of the KING. As I decide to lay you aside, you must break.

Then Kierra sings at 1:54,


♮Curse of insecurity you can’t stay here 
Lies of anxiety you’re not welcome here
I have been too comfortable living in you
Now the King has come to my rescue


And you will bow to your knees
I’m not living in what you planned for me
I am a child of the King 
And as I decide to lay you aside, you must break
And as I decide to lay you aside, you must break♮

I have always existed in a world of comparison that birthed insecurity. Comparison to my sister who is more extroverted than me. Looks more like my mom then me. Is more adventerous than me. Comparison to other women. Who are skinner than me. Whose hair looks better than mine. Who are better able to build girlfriend relationships. 

My level of insecurity in who I am as God created me has been crippling. The feeling that I am not good enough or pretty enough, outgoing enough, enough enough. Insecurity you CANNOT stay here anymore. Anxiety you are not welcome here. I'm not living in what you planned for me. I am the DAUGHTER of the KING. As I decide to lay you aside, you must break.

These masks MUST BREAK. These shadow Damaris's MUST BREAK. Nothing about me is a mistake. God won't bless who I pretend to be. I must abandon them all and embrace the real me. 

I have VICTORY today. Today, as I just sat, I felt a shift. I felt the Holy Spirt breaking those masks. I felt them melting away. I didn't even fight for them. God said its time to let them go. For the first time I didn't want them and I finally believe I don't need them.

That is such a huge deal for me. Today, if you doubt who God has made you. Not the you that you allow people to see, but the divine daughter or son of the Most High God that you are. I want to encourage you, that you are more than enough. When God saw you, He saw that you were good. 

Be what you were made to be. 

Today, and from this day forward, "I release any thoughts of inferiority and embrace how You've designed me."

The Unlikely Missionary

Damaris


*Italized is from 100 Days of Believing Bigger

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